On being a Jewb* in the South

*Jew + newb = Jewb

So, I technically became a Jew on April 15, 2011. The irony of becoming a Jew on tax day isn't lost on me, and my penchant for slightly offensive and inappropriate humor appreciates the coincidence.

My decision to become a Jew is sort of a long story, so here's the short version: I think Judaism is interesting, thought provoking, challenging, and rewarding. The religion and the culture made sense to me, so once I realized I could convert, I struggled with the decision for a few years and then finally studied and became one.  And then I moved far, far away from any Jews I knew.

(Barrett took the journey with me as well, but our experiences were very different, so I'm only going to talk about me right now.)

I had a pretty sweet deal in San Diego. I rekindled a friendship with a really great woman named Eva, who was able to sort of mentor me through my Jewification and make Judaism much more accessible to me. I had really supportive non-Jewish friends, like Tauni and Mark, who asked really great questions and made me feel like I was always making the right decision. All three of them even attended my graduation from Jew school.

 Immediately after this picture was taken I tried to high-five Barrett,
who, instead,
body-checked me into a table. 

Our synagogue, Congregation Beth Israel, was totally gorgeous and the people we met there were absolutely wonderful. Rabbit Satz, (Awesome Rabbi #1 in the above picture) spent hours with us after services, in private meetings, in pre-marital counseling sessions, and even at our own wedding, where he created a beautiful and educational ceremony for us and all of our guests. Rabbi Berk (Awesome Rabbi #2) and Rabbi/Cantor Bernstein (not pictured but totally Awesome Rabbi #3) were also exceedingly generous with their time and energy. Learning to be a Jew was really easy back in San Diego. Being a Jew out here is way harder, though.

I'm honestly not sure why that is. There's still a Young Adult Division the meets semi-regularly. There is still a Reform synagogue. There is even a Conservative synagogue that I may even like better than the Reform synagogue. There are charismatic rabbis, young Jews, old Jews, a Jewish boarding school, and even a really great Kosher section at the local Harris-Teeter. We've hosted Shabbat dinners at our home, attended services, and threw a Hannukah party. I'm toying with the idea of hosting a seder this  year, too. For whatever reason though, I just feel less Jewish right now.

Is it because I still don't know enough about Judaism? Is it because the South is predominantly Christian and conservative, and I got spoiled with a huge Jewish congregation? Is it growing pains? Is it learning to be a Jew without attending services and instead practicing more at home? Is just because I'm not a great Jew (whatever that is)? Maybe it's because my first year and a half being and becoming Jewish was one big step after the other, and now I am Jewish and it's like: I'm HERE! I'm JEWISH! ...Now what? 

Help me out, little man! 

I have a feeling it's all of the above, and then some. For over a year, my version of Judaism was attending services on Friday night, going to some classes while I converted, and maaaaybe attending Torah study once in a blue moon. Now, I don't really jive with the Reform synagogue here. It feels more Protestant to me than Jewish, and while I like the Conservative temple, I don't know enough Hebrew to follow along with the services. To be fair, I haven't attended Torah study here, and maybe that's something that needs to change.

I suppose I thought that once I'd studied, converted, and continued practicing and believing I was Jewish, I would actually, ya know, feel Jewish. Right now I just feel sort of isolated, and if there's anything I love and know about Judaism, it's that no Jew is meant to be Jewish in isolation! By Judaism's very nature, that is impossible.

I'm not sure what the next best step is to fix this (services? mikveh? Torah study? more lox and bagels?), but I do hope I fix it soon. I feel like I'm doing a disservice to myself and to my hard work when I feel like this, and I have to believe the ability to change this feeling it entirely up to me. What is the point to being a Jew if you just sit at home and feel kind of weird about it, right?